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The CAT
User's Manual
User
Installation and Maintenance Documentation
CAT v. 7.0:
Completely Autonomous Tester
Manufactured
by MOMCAT
System
Design Specifications:
User
Friendly
Mouse
Driven
Self
Cleaning
Energy
Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Self
Portable Operation
Dual Video
Bi-directional
Audio Input/Output
Primary and
secondary output ports: high-speed serial port for streaming data and standard
parallel port for data blocks.
Auto search
Routines for Input Data
Autocracy
for Output Bin
Instant
Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full Power Mode
Production
Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onside
ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this
period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations between
units. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may
sometimes salvage rejected units.
Beware of
Transportation:
A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the
operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or
damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.
Installation
Procedures: Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to
verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the
system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may
manually remove any bugs.
Bring the
CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20º C (± 3 º tolerance). Use
a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and
let the CAT unit auto exit. Initialize the self learning program catfind() by
displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room
temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards,
display the output bin.
If the user
already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download
BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in
self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will auto switch
to sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information
to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the
operating environment.
The unit
may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axis: standing,
sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied,
the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.
A new CAT
should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after
extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit auto exit the site. The
advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units
may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to
virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port across a
street. Fatal errors may happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should
have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host
site.
Your CAT should
have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized repeatedly until the
system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the
unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well.
You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is
effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. Such
units will sit across the room with its back to you.
Applications:
At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT.
MOUSE is a
killer app. This is pre-installed.
Many owners
use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older
units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and
flexibility. Some CAT games are:
CACHE
The CAT
will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object must be
smaller.
JUMP
Move the
data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.
MIRROR
Place the
unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may
ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
CHASE
Played
between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the
data and the other attempts to parse it.
SING
Offer fishy
data code to elicit a range of audio output.
BUGHUNT
Some CAT
units are very efficient bug hunters.
Maintenance:
CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle.
CATs are
self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with
alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a violent explosion.
A CAT unit
should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system
checkup.
Do not
attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit
emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.
You may
examine the rear of the CAT unit to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy
port. CATs with a male port may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this
component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The
VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems run
unix.
In senior
CAT units, male scuzzy ports can become blocked, leading to extensive VET visits
and serious performance limitations.
Warning
Notices: CAT systems are user-friendly. However, in certain documented
situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or
obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Never
attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to milspecs and
thus classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a unit was seen by ham
radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin
spike connectors have an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer
is not responsible for injuries to the user. These spike connectors require
monthly maintenance to avoid damage to site furniture.
Do not poke
anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.
In dry,
cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric
shock, stand on an insulated surface.
Do not
operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage.
Carry a CAT
firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".
The
self-programming feature of the CAT unit may introduce functions that are not
user-friendly. For example, the CAT will quickly associate display of the
transportation case with a trip to the VET or the offsite storage facility. In
such instances, the CAT will self-initiate the ESCAPE mode. This requires the
user to employ SEEK and CAPTURE programs to reestablish control of the CAT in
order to place it in the transportion case.
Service Life:
As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation. The CAT
may become too smart for its own good.
CATs like
to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or
studying tropical fish.
If you
properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users
get a second unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the
ability to run complex simulation games.
If the user
will be absent from the host site for an extended period, provision for CAT
maintainence must be provided. Options are:
Offsite
storage. This may cause errors in user-associated CAT programs. Some
reprogramming may be required.
Onsite
maintainence by contractors. Contractors must have full access to the host site.
They should provide full I/O service to the CAT and not boot the system.
User
Groups: CAT users can find other users and the faq on the Usenet newsgroup
rec.pets.cats.
Lifetime
Warranty: The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons
are included.
If the unit
operates in networks that experience heavy traffic, some units may use all nine
coupons in one confrontation. This can lead to system failure.
Documented
Problems: The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may lead to serious
performance problems.
Do not
install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit. These systems
are not compatible. The BIRD unit may be erased permanently.
The
self-cleaning feature that comes standard with CAT units has a capacity
limitation. The unit's recycle bin eventually fills and then empties without
warning.
CAT units
have an internal clock. These normally initialize automatic programs (CLEAN,
etc.) These cannot be reset by the user. The internal alarm clock often goes
off 30 minutes before the user's alarm clock.
System
Features:
Models =
Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry).
Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.
Interface =
Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
Memory =
Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
Expected
Lifetime = 15 years with ± 72 months (although 20 years are common).
Weight =
3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
Speed = 3 nanoseconds
search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.
Color
Graphics = Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or
maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terrabits of high resolution floating
point pixels.
Sound Chip
= 16 octaves, digital
Power
Consumpution = 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
Operating
Range = -30º to +45º C (-22º to 105º)
Vibration =
5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.
